Making Male Submission Real...

Always remember to pack your sub whenever returning home from a trip....

It's such a curious thing, to be a person who intersects between professional and personal within the BDSM sphere. My running bit is that I love BDSM so much, that I just had to make it a part of my career too.

The benefit of course, is that I am quite lucky to have friends in all spheres... and as such I'm privy to many perspectives.

I've somewhat become an agony aunt to many (take that as you will darling). Of course mostly to submissive men (Duh). And a resounding question that always rears it's head-

"How do I find something that's real?"

I think regardless of the theme, it's quite a natural inclination to seek something tangible in a world that is full of everything and nothing at the same time. Fantasy dominates many of our lives. It can be a genuinely welcome escape. But simultaneously, fantasy that is constant can leave one with a sense of emptiness that is hard to fill.

It always gives me food for thought, these conversations. I feel quite privileged at times, when so many are willing to bare their souls to me... (Don't you worry, I don't keep them all in jars...). I don't claim to be an expert on these topics at all, but I do believe my experience makes me mildly qualified to give an answer.

How do I find something that's real? He asks...

Firstly, I think its fair to say that like any other relationship structure, to find realness within a BDSM dynamic, one has to cultivate it. I always ask people, when they describe disappointing interactions, what foot did you lead with?

I ask because so many start off on the wrong foot. You say you want reality, but you lead with vapid notions... If I had a penny for every message I have received that started with "Hello, I find these attributes you possess attractive, here is a long list of my kinks, can we meet now?" I would be remarkably more wealthy than I am now...

You cannot have real if you are unwilling to be real yourself.

My running theory is, that so many men's conceptualisation of submission and BDSM comes directly from pornography. And to be clear, there is nothing wrong with this. Fantasy and engaging in fantasy can be so healthy. But the expectation should never be that fantasy and reality mimic one another. If it's fantasy you crave, there is no shame in engaging in it and there is certainly no shame in going to a professional ( I have had multiple interactions with people who have stated this is often less disappointing, and as such I can only be in support of such measures). To seek realty though, requires one to create a degree of separation between ones fantasy's and the real world.

And I'm of the opinion that doing this is actually a wonderful way of creating experiences within femdom that hold more substance. Think about it....

We describe fantasy, which is dominated by commercialised femdom. It is with a touch of irony, that femdom is intended to represent female dominance, power and authority, but in commercialised femdom, it still centres on male desire and the male gaze (I am not remotely sh*tting on this, I myself am happily guilty of engaging in it, a job is a job). "Real" femdom, should be approached as the antithesis to this. Male desire comes last and the male gaze isn't centre. In my mind, it should be a wonderful exercise in separating oneself from social norms.

Whether anyone would like to admit it or not, commercialised femdom, is often just misogyny and patriarchy repackaged. I think its incredibly important for me to recognise this, especially as I'm in the industry myself. Severing the ties to this, in my experience witnessing it, is profound. It's this separation where many men will say "This is it, this is what I was looking for... ". Because it is genuinely femdom. It's real.

So here is an exercise adjacent to my anecdote about submissive men in my inbox. You don't necessarily have to do this in a real interaction, you can absolutely write it down first. But instead of leading with your approval of a Dominant woman or a paragraph about how you want to be pegged, spanked, and told you're a good boy... Instead, lead with what you offer. It doesn't have to be money or gifts, what makes you so remarkable, that a remarkable woman should take interest in you? And conjointly, don't tell her you approve, because I promise you, no dominant woman is swelling with pride over a stranger approving of them. But instead, give her space to discuss why she is so wonderful. Ask her questions, let her lead the conversation instead of centring your conceptualisation of her.

If you do this, no.... the fairy God Domme will not drop in your living room with a whip... (what a lovely thought though), but you will have begun the process of cultivating something with meaning. Nothing worth having is instant (even ramen takes a few moments to cook), but taking time and effort to grow into something, sets the right stage for a dynamic that has substance.

These dynamics, they require such an intense amount of trust and patience. I can be quoted as saying, there is no relationship quite like a BDSM dynamic, when it's a good dynamic, the insanity, the love, the passion, it's like no other drug...

We speak of power exchanges a lot, and I think when people say that what we tend to hear is "I give, you take" and the reality is, it is a lot of give and take. It is more an act of holding power than taking it.

Submission is a gift, and when you give yourself to me, I'll show you my power. But that isn't something given freely or flippantly.

And the other part of this, is to remove your expectations. I think men generally, hold expectations, because... bless your souls... you have always resided in a world that teaches you that you are owed something. And I honestly believe that shedding this concept, regardless of your sexual proclivities, is so freeing.

You can say it with me now, if you like... aloud or in your mind....

I am nothing.

The world owes me nothing.

I am free.

It's liberating. It eradicates that tight sensation of frustration in your chest. And practising these mantras, it primes you to be a submissive who is actually equipped to be a submissive who is ready to live it as a reality and not fantasy (Mild side note, I recently discovered the German word Kopfkino, which means head cinema, and isn't that a much better way to describe fantasy????).

Many of you already know, I have a background in academic psychology, so these questions intrigue me, because I hold the belief that engaging in this lifestyle can be so psychologically and therapeutically beneficial. Especially when engaged with a little effort and care.

I am sorry to those of you who saw the title, and maybe thought I would give directional instructions on how to become a human toilet (I am of course, working on this piece for a later date....). But I hope the insight is food for though, and somewhat enriching....

Until next time darling...