I was told to be the flower....But I became the mouth instead....

It's curious isn't it.... at least if you've ever been struck by sonder, to consider how people end up on the paths and in the places that they do.

It doesn't strike me as unusual that people often want to know how I arrived at this strange, beautiful intersection of psychology, hypnotism, dominance, shadow, spirit and womanhood drawn in darker ink. The simplistic answer is that I didn't wake up here, I was not aware of the power inside me as an automatic default. The truth is, I stopped running from myself.

Like many woman, I grew up being shaped into smallness. Easy to digest femininity... The contradiction of nature many of us are fed... be small, be palatable, agreeable. It's very systemic and I believe regardless of any intention to avoid these sets of beliefs, one will, in this world at least, always fight with these internalised concepts (Such is the design of systemic social behaviours). And for a time I did try to fold myself to meet these standards, often painfully so. But always something beneath the surface boiled. Resistance I suppose, pride even. I'm quite proud to say I'm a woman who has spent much of her life being told I'm over opinionated, stubborn and far too much...

It was a quiet refusal to shrink or disappear. I didn't understand then what it was, only that it wouldn't let me go.

Simultaneously, I have always been surrounded by women who in their own way, resist these ideas and concepts. Women who are vast, uncontained, and unapologetic. Women who didn't match the version of femininity I was expected to perform. In some ways these connections created dissonance and in others it was comforting. I admired these women then and I still do now. These experiences formed the foundations of the cracks in the facade that I would experience later in life.

Life has this capacity to strip away layers from you, like every person I experienced trials and tribulations that broke me down, reshaped me, and quite often challenged me. When you have those experiences, when you are fully stripped down to the bone, what stares back, your reflection in the mirror, is nothing but truth. That reflection can be frightening, and ill be honest and say I have been frightened of that reflection. It is a choice though, you can always be scared but it whether you choose to face yourself or not that is important.

Shattering yourself is one exercise, rebuilding yourself is another. Throughout these difficult experiences, I immersed myself into the study of psychology (both personally and academically), I began developing my own sense of philosophy too, and in turn it shaped the ethos behind how I live my life and my professional development. I especially became very attached to Carl Jung's Theory of the shadow self. As in my personal life, I've come to understand the importance of integration, I in turn reproduce this within my hypnosis sessions.

If I have the capacity to be a monster, chaotic, evil, calculated and beautifully manipulative and I give myself the space to be so... why should you not be given the space for your weaknesses?

Jung's work stopped feeling like a theory. It became a mirror. Shadow integration turned into a living, breathing practice, uncomfortable but necessary. It helped me uncover aspects of myself that had been long buried.

It's no secret that I have been a part of the sex industry for many years. I'm quite unashamed of the fact, as it is those experiences that have been pivotal in how I've ended up in the space I am now. In fact, it's those experiences that made me acutely aware of how incapable I am of being in spaces that reward performance that purely centres on men (I will say, it's now almost comical to me). It isn't morality or shame ( I have to say this for my many colleagues and friends who have found their own empowerment in these specific spaces, I would never shame anyone for it), It just wasn't me. It was a topic that I discussed quite frequently in my own therapeutic experiences. And these experiences, side-by-side, helped me see that I had been suppressing the parts of myself that were the loudest, sharpest and most alive.

And then...I had a moment of chance, where something clicked. A single night where I refused to dimmish myself, where I expected to be met on my terms and it changed the entire trajectory of my life. It wasn't so much to do with the money, but because of the way it felt, aligned, grounded, authentic to me. It was my first personal experience with femdom. And it was the first time I ever truly felt like myself.

There is a reason why I choose the name Kismet, It comes from the Turkish word meaning fate. I'm quite enamoured by the concept of fate because it does feel like so much of my life has been fate driven. I had gone through these wheel like experiences (It happens to be my favourite tarot card...) which led me towards Femdom, intersectional feminism, politics and so on, when a force re-entered my life, at what I realise now, was the right time. Through this I was reconnected with hypnotism which I learnt to incorporate into my work and conjointly, I came to the realisation that this lifestyle isn't just a costume for me, BDSM is something I feel comfort in, it's been my healer, the life I'm happiest living and I genuinely haven't looked back since.

Before I witter on... My entire point is that many things have led me to where I am both personally and professionally. Each experience has shaped me and inadvertently its my experiences which influence how I shape those who choose to work with me. And it is my belief that these experiences give my own experience of power the particular flavour it does. I wasn't born knowing who I am or who I needed to be, It was gained through experience.

It is fair to say, there is more to the story. There always is... And in this space, I look forward to extrapolating my ideas, my madness and my theories much more with you all...

Until then...