Submission in BDSM: A Lifestyle, Not Just a Scene

There is something deeply intimate about being considered in the smallest of things. When submission becomes part of the ordinary, darling, I find it quite extraordinary.

Submission in people is such a rare thing…

I hope you can all forgive my constant stream of thought here. It can, at times, be a wonderful exercise for the mind. But I will be honest and say that I am untangling my thoughts as I go.

Conjointly, I am speaking much more from the perspective of my personal life than my professional one. As many of you know, there is very little separating those two aspects of my life, but there is a very thin line there at times.

I was considering submission to people. Not to act submissive but to be submissive. In my years in this space, I have met many, many people and had many shared experiences, which I treasure. But I really rarely meet people who embody submission in a full-force kind of way of life.

I will preface this by saying this isn’t me shitting on anyone who just wants this as a bedroom thing or an occasional excursion. Your submission is valid regardless of my feelings. I am, of course, speaking of personal preference.

I enjoy extremes in most things. I have a very black-and-white way of thinking. I’m a hedonist; I like a lot, not a little. And it is a preference that has grown and continues to grow over time.

I think in many ways, I have been quite spoiled in respect to the people who surround me. I'm used to people fully stepping into their roles; I'm used to it weaving into all aspects of life, not just sexual. I must admit here that I actually detest the term “scene” within BDSM. I personally don’t wish for scenes; if it is real life, it doesn’t have to be switched off. Bent here and there? Absolutely… But I don't enjoy situations where, when everything is over, there is a normality. I think we have such great influence on our own realities, and the influence I give myself is to step away from the concept of the “scene” and make it my constant reality.

It is one of the reasons I absolutely repel these bids for attention that go something like… “Hello, my name is so & so… I want to submit. Own me forever. Use me, abuse me”… It makes no sense to me for someone to come with a presentation of the by-product, without giving any substantial evidence of what they intend to do or be to create that. I saw today a quote-“Stop approaching me with microwave meal energy”… and yes, exactly that. And especially coming to someone who has grown so accustomed to more, to higher standards. It isn’t a compelling offer.

This being said, I can appreciate that I have niche interests. I do believe the people I gravitate to the most are indeed in a minority. Many are good at pretending, but as a well-seasoned kinkster, it is quite easy to spot because no one can hold a mask on for that long before they crack. I also believe (and I have said this before, as have many others) that there are so many masochists out there who confuse their tendencies with submission. They can absolutely intersect on the Venn diagram… But if it is purely pain you seek, and submission is just an additional “oh, I have to do this to get that”, when there is no delight taken from it, it isn’t really submission in a whole-being type way.

The very, very small number of people who fit my ideal… It bleeds into everything, not just the sexual. It is even within very small acts that I can appreciate; I would dare say I find comfort in it. It isn’t just the act of submission; it is having someone who enjoys being looked after, mothered even (that term gets floated around a lot with me…). It is genuinely holding someone's life for them; I enjoy that a lot. I think as a woman especially, my sense of desire is often left out of the equation when we discuss preferences. Sexuality and desire are so often discussed from a male-centred point of view (which, I suppose, is why so many feel I care to read 5 paragraphs about what gives them an erection). But actually, the act of recognising my desire, putting it first, leading with that, is in and of itself an act of submission.

I repeat myself again, but this is why, though I love commercial femdom because it has given me a wonderful living, I do have a tendency to shun it in my personal life. I get a lot of people who are coming from purely commercial spaces and experiences, and I genuinely dumbfound them when they expect a performance and I say, “Absolutely not, shut up, sit down, listen or fuck off”. Blunt… yes… but as I said, you create your own reality, and if I allowed someone to come in, topping from the bottom, it would be a great compromise to myself.

This is why I say, and I truly mean it, submission, total submission, is a gift. It is already a rarity, and on top of this, even if someone is internally like this, it can be incredibly difficult to be truly authentic. It takes a lot of trust and courage to do so. Which is why I value the people who give me this.

Before I sign off, I will reiterate again that this is all personal preference and opinion. As previously stated, I lean very extreme in my preferences, and I am certainly not writing the playbook for submission. But it is something to think about… and a little piece of my mind, darling.